my friends and my self

i may be losing all my friends at one go.

did i ever have friends?  i sometimes think i forced myself to believe that ‘we’re friends now’ and them imposed myself upon them freely and they didn’t have any other choice but to take me on as one of their friends, too.

maybe it’s my self-absorption makes me so incapable of being a good friend.

or am i just so self-centred that i imagine these problems?

i dont think i was ever comfortable around my girl friends. i think we all wear ‘the mask’ around each other. except may be for moni and niti, they seem to have a good communication, they share. it is IMPOSSIBLE for tonni to be anyone’s ‘friend’, she doesn’t recognize any relationship that’s not her immediate family. of course she doesn’t know it. she fools herself all the time. the only three people she gives a damn about are her parents and now her husband. i dont think she was honestly close with any of her boyfriends, either. she needed them because she needed to be whiny with someone and because she’s not cultured enough to supress the raw desire for rubbing arms with a guy-any guy. of course i may be totally wrong seeing that i dont know her at all. i thought Mira was kinda the same [that's why they were closer to each other], just smarter and clearer about what she wants. her pathetic dependence on her nose-wipe of a boyfriend totally confuses me. what can she possibly see in the guy? i believe she’s miserable without knowing- am i wrong? may be she can’t leave him because she already slept with him and can’t leave him for the fear of looking like a whore to herself. both tonni and mira are actually more like themselves around their sisters who are as hollow and narrow [ i'm.....] as themselves.

i’ve always tried to get rid of my school friends. even in school i knew that i wouldn’t know them later; my life will go up like a reverse shooting star and they’ll be left behind. but they followed me- to the Capital city, to my university, to sometimes doing the things before me that i always thought cool [nadia travelled with her friends, niti explored the classic nooks and corners of the city, tonni and i were in the same department for a year and i bet she thinks my results wouldn't have been as good as hers there and i know that's true. soo tonni will become a magistrate or something and rule her kingdom as the sir-like madam in small, still authentic cities of Bangladesh]. i see i was the more pathetic of all, all along. i tried to look better not by my own deeds but by looking down to those of others. i never tried to ‘be’ something or someplace. i just wanted the look of it. i wanted others to gasp or at least wonder at me, even if i didn’t enjoy what i was doing [of course i didn't even do those things, i was to busy looking around to see other people's (my mother's-as a symbolic person) reaction.]

[wow now i'm thinking i'm writing such a nice piece of prose ( i cant think of anything but me and my self)]

Produce of my sleepy brain

There was a bong, booze, loud music and lots of people I don’t know.

In short it was a party. It was at Nishan’s, he’s leaving soon. It was fun watching them. Dhaka can be fun too, if you’re not gagged by rules.

I didn’t enjoy myself much. Felt very awkward  around so many unknown people. I really wish I did better. I blame the attire. I should have been wearing a fotua. my outfit always influences how i feel.

Tried to take a puff from that bamboo bong Nina brought from Rangamati. Took a puff from Ishraq’s joint. And tried to look involved. Samia was doing better. we left together.

Saturday I go and meet Anindya. God knows how that’ll go. I really wish it works out. This was I don’t have to marry some douche. Although I don’t know…I’m most definitely not the person I was even a year ago. My brain is constantly asleep and it doesn’t like waking up for conversations. So I might not seem like a catch.

The other day, we had a small CS meet at alliance, me, Till, Jonathon, Yoshi, Jimi dropped by with Fouad. That day I had fun.

July 26:

Yesterday I met Till at alliance…he’s been a good friend for a few days, very easy to talk to. I had also invited Mejzabeen apu, so she came and let us use the piano. Till played for a while. I am sure if i’d ever heard live playing. I played a little too! Samia showed up, so did a french CSer, elodie. We talked, tasted some mishti at rosh and took a bus home. Today I took Till to shakharibazar, armanitola (finally i saw the church! they let us in without any question. There was a hindu college student who’s father’s the caretaker. It was dark and old, not too grand, but still! and there were gravestones planted on the floor. baby girl who lived for 12 days in 1917. there was also one with a statuette with one arm!) Then we half walked to sadarghat, rode a boat (was nice, but hot), got very tired and hungry and parted ways near dhaka medical. later he sent a nice SMS saying i;ve got a good heart! that’s what i was going for.So I spent some nice evenings, it’s not as easy to talk to everyone.

And, the day before that I met anindya at goethe, later we moved to mango. I was moreo r less comfortable.we talked for several hours, he walked me up to farmgate. it was nice. he is the same petit guy, with a nice smile, i don’t really think we’re each other’s type. I couldn’t help thinking he ranked rather high on Shovon-scale (how much one guy reminds me of shovan). when I came home, i was feeling good. then I started remembering the conversations on drugs and drinks and the spanish girlfriend and couldn’t help thinking how bad it’ll be to raise kids with with a guy like him…or tag along with him on his conquests of world’s regions. then of course i realised our situations have reversed and he is the one pushing me off this time with extreme stories. he’s now looking to fall in love. so that’s how it ends. I called Jimi while I was in the middle of thinking all these, didn’t feel one bit good either. I just wanted to hold on to the phone quietly as I think, but he almost hung up on me. that made me very sad. haven’t talked to him since. Till said he’s out of Dhaka. I don’t know anything about it.

Anyway I’m very very glad I met my ghost from two years ago. One think less to regret about. also, made me realise that I’m not the person I want myself to be. I want stability, even though I dream of whimsical hitch hiking trips in mountain countries. This reminded me of Bhutan too. Except for the day in Paro, I really didn’t enjoy Bhutan. I was inside these photos that I sighed after, but didn’t know what to do with it.

The next two days i’ve been feeling quite good. head not so sleepy or numb. got the GRE book out. Talked to people. Watched a movie (princess bride, sorta boring). all good. I should really stop getting hooked onto TV serials.

About serials: Castle was OK,trite. psych had been more refreshing , tho less convoluted, than this. Bored to death was pretty darn good.

Sazid made me read a half-page story of Neil Gayman, so I’m going through his short-stories : What an improvement! Even though before that I did finish Mihir Shengupto’s Bishad Brikkho. In turn, I made him read from Shahaduzzaman, now he’s finishing up the book.

Things I did in May

May 1

সারাদিন বাসায়ই ছিলাম। এনজেলস ইন আমেরিকা দেখলাম। আহা কি ড্রামা। বিকালের দিকে জিমি আসার কথা ছিল এক্সটারনাল হার্ড ড্রাইভ নিয়ে। এলে জামা পাল্টাতে হবে, উঠতে হবে – সেটা ভালো না কি মন্দ তা ভাবছিলাম বসে বসে। যা-ই হোক, জিমি এল না, তখন মনে হল আসলে ভালোই হত। সন্ধ্যার দিকে সামিয়া ফোন দিল…সাতটার দিকে…বের হব নাকি। ভাবলাম যে, কার্পে ডিয়াম, মানা করতে থাকলে পরে আর ডাকবে না। তো জামা পরে বের হলাম বেশ ঝাড়া হাত পা লাগছিল, তখন দেখি ব্যাগ আনি নাই। পকেটে মোবাইল ও টাকা, ব্যাগটা শুধু একটা purposeful look এর জন্য। গলি ধরে হাঁটতে হাঁটতে , ফিরবো কীভাবে সেটা নিয়ে একটু চিন্তা হচ্ছিল। I’m 29 dammit নিজেকে বলতে বলতে অভারব্রীজ পার হলাম। খামার বাড়ীর গোল চত্বরের কাছে চমৎকার জায়গা। গাড়ি যাচ্ছে আসছে, আলোর মিছিল। সামিয়া, সাইকেল ছিল। মিঠু ফোন দিয়েছিল ওকেও আসতে বলেছিলাম। he might become a liability, i know. but i’m not about to throw away friends. সাইকেলের ব্যাপারেও একটু অস্বস্তি আছে। আমারই দোষ। খুব বেশি খুব দোস্তি দেখানো ঠিক না। নিজেকে প্রোটেক্ট করে চলা শিখতে হবে। যাই হোক, বাসায় থেকে আম্মুর সাথে খচরমচর করার বদলে বের হলাম, তাই ভালো। নয়টার দিকে এসে দেখি মিটুল মামা এসেছে। সাজিদের জ্বর। এ কয়দিন খুব পড়ার চাপে গম্ভীর হয়ে ছিল। জ্বর হয়ে he came back to his old self. he even did an act ‘my treasure is buried…’ and pretended to choke and kick the bucket.
আজকে আরেকটা কাজ করলাম। ডায়েরি খুলে পরী রাজকন্যার গল্পটা বের করে টাইপ করা ধরলাম। পুরোন লেখা পড়ে দেখি, ডিসেম্বরের অপ্র যেগুলি করার কথা ছিল, গত পাঁচ মাসে তার কিছুই করিনি। একটা একটা করে ধরে তক্তা মারা দরকার।
আজকে আমার আর মিমির বিরিশিরি থাকার কথা। আর কেউ রাজি হচ্ছে না দেখে ভাবলাম দুজনই যাব, পারব না কেন? পরে পয়লা মে’তে গাড়ি ছাড়বে না শুনে একটু হাঁপই ছাড়লাম। কী করতাম কে জানে!
গতকালকে ডিপার্টমেন্টে গিয়ে ডীন’স এওয়ার্ডের কাগজ নিয়ে এসেছি। কালকে জমা দেবো।
বাঙ্গালী-আদিবাসী মীট এর ব্যাপারে যে পরিমাণ সাড়া পেলাম, তাতেও একটু দুশ্চিনন্তাই হচ্ছে।
কার্পে ডীয়াম

may 2

ডিপার্টমেন্টে গিয়ে শুনলাম ডিনস এর তারিখ পার হয়ে গেছে। কাগজগুলিতে রফিক স্যারের সই নিয়ে , সীল না মেরেই গেলাম ডিনের অফিসে নতুন বিল্ডিঙ্গে, ফেরৎ এলাম, মাঝপথ থেকে আবার যেতে হল, আবার ফেরৎ এলাম ইত্যাদি

সামিয়া ফোন দিয়েছিল, ব্যাক করলাম না।

বাসায় এসে হাউ আই মেট ইওর মাদারের আরেকটাও একলক্ষতম বার না দেখা কোন এপিসোড আছে কিনা খুঁজে খঁজে দেখতে দেখতে গোসল।

আরেকজোড়া দুল এবং হাজার খানেক টাকা পাচ্ছি না।

May 3

‘No Energy, Listless & headachey’  I just googled constantly listless and turns out it can be a low-curb thing. I think I eat enough rice. Still, ,i think i can deal with this with diet and exercise. Now I have to stop taking a perverse un-pleasure from it and get over it.

Regular day. worked and didn’t try to care what will make it to the page, sat through the noon with great difficulty, hurried home for my cup of tea and watched bad tv. In between, found some time to be shrill and harsh with my father and make my mother feel guilty for all my failures in general.

Will start Sopranos now.

May 6

six days are gone already?

first thing i felt this morning: GOOD!

i was dreaming. i saw me get married to a ordinary sort of guy- looked like titu bhaia- short, unimpressive-looking, with regular amount of gender ignorance, religious narrowness…very ordinary, in short. I felt happy to be married. felt like dressing up as a regular girl should, being all princess-in-a-shari in front of the teenage girls in the family…at the same time, i was weighing mentally if i shouldn’t have agreed to marry someone abroad, may be in USA, how it would’ve gone, what sort of a person that would’ve made me, if i would have been happy or grown fearfully bored etc.

not a difficult dream to analysis. I had a particularly bad day today. my brain was shut down, working on a DOS mode. irritated Zaman bhai to no amount, i guess, because he wasn’t feeling good himself and i couldn’t do anything right, had to be prompted for everything. i think i could’ve done a little better, may be make fewer mistakes, if i tried and didn’t indulge my not-being-okay-ness. this is what holds me back from being better. I think it’s okay to be totally dysfunctional. I blame hollywood. characters like may-louse parker in angels in america or that girl in girl interrupted, they convince you that emotional unhappiness is a sign of being superior to the rest of the lambs. you’re unhappy because you KNOW that the things around you are not good enough to be happy about.

I was thinking of not calling back the shrink, but i might have to.

Anyway. so my brain’s not working at all and i can’t make it focus for more than two seconds. i don’t see anything, just move out of habit.I call Jimi, he comes over with his portable. when he came, i was watching Sopranos, trying to find a hook, i need a hook so that i can start watching mindlessly all day all the time. anyway, jimi and me checked out the collection of movies in his portable. he tricked me into watching a vampire clip. we had a laugh. that lightened me up. “I want to part of a community and i need to be a part of a project” I said these exact words. we’re not doing anything!

let’s do a ‘work’ next tuesday, he says. that sobered me up. if i could apply my mind i could do so many things. 100 per cent lack of work is not what’s turning me into a sack of rice.

all was going well, until i had a little riff with my father about Golam Ajam. he said the rajakar would go to heaven and not hell because he didn’t do anything , it made me go off the handle. i could have hit him.

Later I felt very bad for doing all the ‘i’m not here my mind is elsewhere’ sort of drama at work. zaman bhai is no fool, he’ll call my pretense. Also felt really bad for misbehaving with abbu, it doesn’t help him at all. why does he have to be a better person anyway? i should ‘ve just mocked with wittily and move on.

chatted on FB with moni and ive. Moni’s soaking in the california weather, thinking about babies or grad study. Ive’s working for brac, researching free-lance. i can write a freaking proposal, let alone look for fund. All day long i’ve been thinking if it’s the lack of courage that’s holding me back for marrying someone abroad cause clearly i can’t manage to do anything here except on the way to becoming a very limited-scope housewife-cum-teacher.

read (leafed through) brokeback mountain the short story. seemed like good writing.

more sopranos. sleep. dream.

Sazid most probably had dengue. ammu-abbu (he’s talking to me) took him to the hospital.

downloading Howad Zinn People’s History of America. five parts downloaded so far, can’t make myself sit down and listen.

can’t make myself sit and listen to that ACT video for five minutes.

somebody give me 15,000 pounds

April 27

আজকে শেভেনিং এ ইন্টারভিউ দিয়ে আসলাম। উচ্চারণটা আসলে চিভেনিং। যাই হোক, জতো খারাপ হতে পারতো ততটা নিশ্চই হয় নাই। তবে আরো খারাপ হতে পারে এই আশঙ্কা করেছিলাম। মাঝে মাঝে আমার মাথা থেকে ইংরেজি পুরা উধাও হয়ে যায় তখন আই গো ইউ গোজ করতে থাকি। মাঝ-সপ্তাহে হঠাৎ মনে হল কী ব্যাপার! এতো বড় ইন্টারভিউ আর আমি কোন টেনশনই নিচ্ছি না! ব্যাস, মাথার ইঞ্জিন চালু হয়ে গেল। মজার ব্যাপার, কালকে হঠাৎ সব উদ্বেগ চলে গিয়ে শান্ত লাগতে লাগল, মাঝে মধ্যে এক পাক টানটান অনুভূতি, ব্যাস। প্রেশার একটু কমে গেছিল। রাতে বেশ ঘুম হল। সকালে তাড়াতাড়ি ঘুম ভেঙ্গেও গেল। আসলেই চাই কিনা ভাবতে ভাবতে ফেরৎ এলাম – যেমনটা সবসময় করি। এর দুচারদিন আগে আগা খাঁ থেকে মানা করে দিল । ওরা আর্থিক অবস্থাটা খুব দেখে, আর আমি মিথ্যা বলতে আসলে চাই নি। রইল বাকি দুই। শেভেনিং না করে দিলে বাকি থাকবে সোয়াসেরটা, যা সত্যিই দূর অস্ত। তবে একসেপ্ট করছি। জি এর ই শুরু করতে হবে।

Last day of April

why did i tell so man ypeople about chevening? There’s a great chance that they’ll recognise I’m not at all what they want. I’m fairly certain they’re not what I want. I do want to study more. I’m afraid I’ve chosen a completely wrong track. I like issues that are less social sciencey and more humanities-y – like identity.
Critique of neo-liberalism is interesting, but i’m more intelligent when it comes to deciphering something inside layers of abstruct emotions rather than being smart in understanding who’s tricking and riping whom off and how.
I started out thinking ‘i don’t care about careers and only about studying something that intrigues me’ now in the middle of it i’m trying to change course because I now realise the value of big bucks, especially painful now that i’m caught in the middle and doing neither. Sazid might be heading doen the same path and feels too confident about his intellectual superiority right now to listen to me or consider that he can in fact make the same mistake as someone else.

The old restlessness is coming back. I used to feel this way often when I was at the university. Later I came to regret that I didn’t listen to it and go out and do something. Then it stopped, possibly got numbed. Now that it’s back I should probably take heed and ‘do something’. Instead, I’m tackling it the same way I did before: kill off by watching something mindless, prancing around the house chirping like an excited tweety bird and finsh off by picking a fight with my mother where I systematically attack her self-esteem and make her feel like a failure about her performance as a mother. This I’m sure, I do more out of frustration over my activities rather than hers, hers being as unintentonal as can be and not at all worse than other…I’m fairly certain I would have been a more well-adjusted person if her ideas about parenting weren’t so modern and liberated. Consequently, I end the day feeling bad about myself and quite guilty. Rinse, repeat.

WHAT I DID YESTERDAY

Friday. সকালে শহীদ মিনারে গেলাম, আমাদের বাঙ্গালী-আদিবাসী ভবিতব্য মিটিং এর জন্য কিছু লোকপজপ্নের সাথে পরিচয় করা যায় কি না দেখতেঃ জুয়েল, জুবেরি ভাই, সাথী চাকমা ছিল। রিপোর্টাররা কিরকম করে চারদিক দেখতে শেখে সেটা দেখে মনে হয় কেন আমি এমন হলাম না…পারতাম কিনা সেটা নিয়ে সন্দেহও হয়, আবার জানতেও ইচ্ছে করে। মানুষজনের সাথে মেশা আমার তো জীবনেও মনে হয় হবে না, কাজেই সাথীর উপর দায়িত্ব দিয়ে এলাম আজিজে, রাফির জন্য (লোভ সামলাতে না পেরে নিজের কালেকশোনের জন্যও) বই কিনে স্টার কাবাবে এলাম, ফুয়াদ-শোভন-তারেক-মিথুনকে খাওয়াতে (মাস্টার্সের রেজাল্ট উপলক্ষ্যে)। শাওন এলো না। mithun is on the way to doing a lot better than me. I don’t know if not feeling bad about that (after therapy, of course) is a sign or growth or numbness. whoever planted the idea of being a teacher in my head (ammu’s insufferable cousins) may rot in hell. Although, I don’t know if i would have thrived in an office environment as well as Mithun does.

সেখান থেকে অফিস।
ফাহিমকে নাফিসাকে চিঠি লেখার ব্যাপারে যুক্তি-পরামর্শ
সোয়াসে ডিফার করা সম্মন্ধে খোঁজ-খবর না করা
ইত্যাদি

Things I did today: April 16

First:  The thing I did not do: didn’t put off going to registrar’s just to get 10 more minutes of sleep  

Read NewAge while sipping paia soup. Caught a ride with Sazid in the car – something I always do if I have to go to the university. Shuttling between offices at registrar’s. It’ll take a day or two to get the certificate and marksheet attested. I’m a little worried, even though SOAS says it’s ok. Life lessons so far: don’t out things off for sleep, don’t forget to check for wallet, money, documents, or any other valuable before leaving ANY place. Also, I should try to pay attention and remember locations, streets and roads.

Chanced a quick visit to Bangla Academi boishakh mela. not that awful. Bought a sholar pakhi and a shokher hari (My father took one look and said ‘I don;t understand what’s in these stuff’ anyway I rarely can stay mad at him, he’s so vulnerable and obhimani (can’t believe I wrote that!)) 

Slow day at work. No editorial meeting. First thing I read is rejection letter from Oslo Summer School. Damn, I was counting on that one, thought it was a cert. Not feeling particularly bad. I really should allow myself to grieve and moan etc. But it’s a waste of time. ‘No regrets’ as brian kinny would say! hopefully some lessons for the next time.

Started to develop a pain in the throat and later in the back too. I have been too frugal with eating delicious (or plain harmful and not even that good) food. So I started debating whether I should have my afternoon cup of tea with an oatmeal biscuit. It’s a debate I lose before begining. So I decided to have the ta and then tell my mother.

Listened to chantal’s poila boishakh story and my mew mew voice in it. I have to write a segment on the whole chantal and emily thing.

Came back and tried to decide whether I should start on reading up on the ethnic minority debate/ Yunus debate?bortamama’s article trasnlation ( I won’t) or read the last of the latest good gay themed story. Downloaded avro but ended up not writing with it and here I am.

Now I’m swallowing with difficulty and waiting for sazid to finish watching bleak so I can watch some crappy movie.

P.S. watched hollow reed. Was good. The intimacy thing was perfect.

Ammu getting more puffed face. Looks quite sick, she does. SHe has been whining to me all day about eating jowbhat for two years after ulcer or the consequences of having my easophagus shortened. I should really be having breakfast before 10:30.

April 13, Pohela Boishakh

Went to another CS meet today. wasn’t that much fun actually. It’s the day before Pohela Boishakh, so the charukola people were working with their big paper-mache sculptures and selling masks, paintings etc. Not a lot of variety though and not as big of a ‘fair’ as I had hoped. Also, those masks were extremely expensive. Met a few new people. Mejbah recently moved from chittagong. works in advertising and Mahfouz (i think) from daily star. I don’t know why the foreigners are always a lot more interesting to talk to. There’s only this one guy from Netherlands. After a while, I sort of start to get how they must see bangladesh : third world and islamic. That’s what I felf towards the end (and after reading her stories) with Chantal. Emily’s better at adapting and great with new things, but I don’t think she gets it either. Anyway, so we explored this area with wooden sculpures behind charukala that I’ve never been to. I don’t know why that wasn’t more exciting, I guess I was tired from wearing shari all day (Wore it to American centre where I had gone for fulbright info and then to office too. Zaman bhai and tapan bhai asked if I was celebrating Choitro Shonkranti). The cyclist guy seems quite decent, as far as I can tell, and Jayanta seems like a douchebag so far. We rode a Nagardola – first time in my life. was fun. Then we went for dinner at Nirob. Not memorable. It was getting past eleven and I was worried about ammu yelling and driver going without food for so long – that always eats away my fun.

The woman at Am Cent wasn’t a bitch and then the first thing I did in office is read an email from east anglia that congratulated me for my outstanding IELTS score and made my offer unconditional, so I guess my IELTS score may not be as non-mentionable as I thought. That was a good start for the day. I wish UEA was a better school. I wish SOAS gave me that waiver . burn . very unlikely. but with Aga Khan my father would be out of so much money and Jay from SOAS said it’d be really difficult to get into PhD so what’s the point? Maybe I should go next year with commonwealth or to USA. I wish I could have left this september. It’ll be a long year next year. Unless I get married and I only still wish for that only some of the times. Other times, I can’t really picture myself both married and carefree+happy.

checked out the dutch guy on CS later. Turns out he’s into Irving.

April 14.

অনেকদিন পর একটা কাজকর্মহীন নির্ভেজাল ছুটি। সকালে কিন্তু নয়টায় ঘুম ভেঙ্গে গেল। মাঝখানে ডাক্তার এন্ডোস্কোপির কথা বলে ভয় দেখায় দিলো তারপর থেকে তাড়াতাড়ি উঠি, উঠে নানুর রাখা পান্তা ভাত খাই। কাজেই পয়লা বৈশাখে পান্তা খাওয়া হল। আম্মু লাউপাতা দিয়ে ইলিশ করছে। সকালে উঠেই ‘মেকি বাঙ্গালী’  নিয়ে ছাগল অপুর একটা পোস্ট দেখে মেজাজ খিঁচড়ে গেল। তারপর আব্বুর সাথে বাউলদের দাড়ি কামিয়ে দেওয়ার ঘটনা নিয়ে লেগে গেল একচোট। এইসব। এখন অবশ্য আরামই লাগছে। নিশাত না থেকলে বিগ ব্যাং থিওরি ছেড়ে দিয়ে ঘর গুছাতাম। এখম এমনি গুছাতে হবে।

ছবি দেখলামঃ হাওল। kill me and let me be reborn as ginsberg. He’s all the things I want to be! A gay guy with somebody to love and someone in the thick of things in the 60s. হলো রীড ডাউনলোড করলাম। আমার পছন্দের থীমঃ বাবা-ছেলে। আজকে দেখবো।

বইটই পড়ার সময় পাচ্ছিনা।

সকালে উঠে প্রথম কাজঃ পত্রিকা পড়া, বাই চান্স যদি এডিটোরিয়াল মিটিং এ ডাকে। তারপর বিকাল/সন্ধ্যা পর্যন্ত অফিসে।

the pinaccle of the day is in the evening when I have my tea with great biscuits. The threat of endoscopy is cutting into that pleasure. Then mindless serial-watching on the laptop. Or reading gay themed amature novel. I can’t find the serious ones. ALl anyone recommends is this stuff. The first real novel I read was front runner. A little bit pep-talk-y but I liked many parts of it. The relationship and the days before and after  billy sieve. The writing had this quiet flow that I like that usually comes back to me weeks afterwords. and it did.

March 31, 2011

I’ve thinking about writing more often. I’m having these one liners all the time. just don’t make the time to jot them down.

I should write more not about my feelings. about what I’m doing etc. It’s not like I don’t do anything. This month I tried to take some pictures of staff I see in the streets : I get self conscius and worry about people being weird to me. I took some cool pics  of my red and colourful room. Went to Sonargaon with Mithu for the karu mela. the mela was crappy govt-planned one. did buy nice-looking flutes and a good (oversized) brass bala. then we went to see the river. more to see the Ghat actually and it did not disappoint. A huge frame of a boat- they’re building it. lots of boats. we went out on one for a while. it was nice. before leaving, we stood at a stall and had some warm milk. that was nice,too.

Went to a couchsurfing meet this month. Felt awkward. was nice meeting moustaque. decent guy, looks student-ish. chatted with Nishant from Dedmark (parents from Sri Lanka) – highlight of the everyning. Sanjida apu seems quite friendly and nice. Samia too, but she was more intimidating, being young and easy-going and all.

Met with another CSer, Chantal. Totally tanked. Couldn’t even talk properly when I was supposed to help her as an interpreter. argh. A lady from Brac, was a good person, thought me the khyat that I appeared as but did not treat me as one. Chantal later called to cancel staying with me. I’m so not easy-going. Loaded, even. Not easy to hang out with. I should rectify this.

Also tanked all the meeting with editor. Zaman bhai said I was letting him down (in not so many word, but) made me cry.

Shrink introduced me to ACT method. I should really try it. I find ways not to do things I should do.

Read Patricia Neal Warren’s Front Runner. God save bittorrent and demonoid. The book was mostly pep-talk-y. but had very nice parts too. stayed with me. I wish I could find more books like that. Books with great sex part, but with a lot of foreplay of feelings, emotions, everyday events and interactions etc etc.

Read a small story by Josh Lynden that totally passed this test. So I’m trying to find all the other things he wrote- reading first book of adriene english series.

Got into SOAS. wow I made it through final cut! don’t think i’ll be able to attend – no dough – applied for Aga Khan (last minute, lots of procastination. hey, same way i applied to the school!) . Erasmus put me in a waiting list, said it unlikely that they’ll call, no wonder cause my choice was LSE! LSE rejected too, for both courses, that was expected! they said I needed more focused peronal letter, better recommendations and related work experience. Gosh why didn’t I work??? coulda woulda shouda. Why didn’t I take the GRE when I had time? so many why didn’t I. hence the psychiatrist.

Went to lunch with Shovon. Oh my results came out. no great feeling of joy. was nice to see people gush. felt almost happy then. Bungled telling people, handing out sweets at work etc. mortifying. Had to buy sweets three times (last time sent a boy from office to the shop). I just didn’t want to be stuck with a lot of Kalojams in the end.

Me and Jimi went out a couple of times to ‘eat out’. I took him to see mango. such a great place. great decor, best in the toilet. Fried rice (and kitchen market) alway remind me of ammu. Next day on a whim we went to Formosa. expensive, not very good food. but we talked.

Went to lunch with Fahim. After out fb-status swap of the EE Cummings poem (I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart. he liked my status, i said it was menat for him and he called me to say he saw and mirrored it) I have solemnly promised to be nice to him and do everything I can to imtrpve the relationship, including being supportve about Nafisa, not being a bitch about power conservation, eating, applying to Unis or anything – in short not being judgemental and just being there. We walked abound Gulshan to find Le Saigon. I had a coupon from Nishat ( who got interesting- and opened up a little and let stresed – after trying to kill herself . wo that sounds drammatic) but we couldnt find the restaurant. we turned our pockets inside out and found that we had money (fahim did). so we found a buffet, flambe, the food was awesome ( i thought of bringing ammu, and may both of them, or sazid) and we talked. mostly about Nafisa and applying. towards the end we talked about abbu and our shared woes. what we remembered. fahim remembers everything and feels strongly about it still. He said something, on good memories, that touched me- remembering sazid being born. Damn me I don’t remember anything worth remembering!

That’s about all. Watched two likable movies. Every Day and It’s kind of a funny story.

Reading newspaper everyday as directed by the editor. it’s doing me a world of good. they don’t teach anything at universities.

Oh and I started wearing lipstick. It’s a skin-coloured one that I saw in Mimi’s purse. It makes me look bright. Also wearing cohl. That makes me look more my age, which I like. And I should definitely wear more short Kamizes with 3-qrt sleeve and jeans and less salwar kamizes. it’s just my look.

2010 Januray

2nd : Mary and Max. quite good.

december 09

i like clerks.

trying to read the memoirs of a geisha in office. i wish i had the print version because the book’s good. paints nice similies.

looking back, summing up

THINGS I DID WRONG:
choosing peace and conflict studies at the last moment instead of anthopology. if i hadn’t, i could still go into peace related stuff later on and anthro would have been much more interesting, even without saying anything of the two departments…i would’ve gotten past this 4 years hurdle in 4 yrs precisely.

not looking for part-time jobs or volunteering opportunities instead of arguing with my mother inside my head!

THINGS I’M PROUD OF
going up the keokaradong [yay!], really proud.
floating on the river shomesshory towards sundown…