my friends and my self

i may be losing all my friends at one go.

did i ever have friends?  i sometimes think i forced myself to believe that ‘we’re friends now’ and them imposed myself upon them freely and they didn’t have any other choice but to take me on as one of their friends, too.

maybe it’s my self-absorption makes me so incapable of being a good friend.

or am i just so self-centred that i imagine these problems?

i dont think i was ever comfortable around my girl friends. i think we all wear ‘the mask’ around each other. except may be for moni and niti, they seem to have a good communication, they share. it is IMPOSSIBLE for tonni to be anyone’s ‘friend’, she doesn’t recognize any relationship that’s not her immediate family. of course she doesn’t know it. she fools herself all the time. the only three people she gives a damn about are her parents and now her husband. i dont think she was honestly close with any of her boyfriends, either. she needed them because she needed to be whiny with someone and because she’s not cultured enough to supress the raw desire for rubbing arms with a guy-any guy. of course i may be totally wrong seeing that i dont know her at all. i thought Mira was kinda the same [that's why they were closer to each other], just smarter and clearer about what she wants. her pathetic dependence on her nose-wipe of a boyfriend totally confuses me. what can she possibly see in the guy? i believe she’s miserable without knowing- am i wrong? may be she can’t leave him because she already slept with him and can’t leave him for the fear of looking like a whore to herself. both tonni and mira are actually more like themselves around their sisters who are as hollow and narrow [ i'm.....] as themselves.

i’ve always tried to get rid of my school friends. even in school i knew that i wouldn’t know them later; my life will go up like a reverse shooting star and they’ll be left behind. but they followed me- to the Capital city, to my university, to sometimes doing the things before me that i always thought cool [nadia travelled with her friends, niti explored the classic nooks and corners of the city, tonni and i were in the same department for a year and i bet she thinks my results wouldn't have been as good as hers there and i know that's true. soo tonni will become a magistrate or something and rule her kingdom as the sir-like madam in small, still authentic cities of Bangladesh]. i see i was the more pathetic of all, all along. i tried to look better not by my own deeds but by looking down to those of others. i never tried to ‘be’ something or someplace. i just wanted the look of it. i wanted others to gasp or at least wonder at me, even if i didn’t enjoy what i was doing [of course i didn't even do those things, i was to busy looking around to see other people's (my mother's-as a symbolic person) reaction.]

[wow now i'm thinking i'm writing such a nice piece of prose ( i cant think of anything but me and my self)]

Produce of my sleepy brain

There was a bong, booze, loud music and lots of people I don’t know.

In short it was a party. It was at Nishan’s, he’s leaving soon. It was fun watching them. Dhaka can be fun too, if you’re not gagged by rules.

I didn’t enjoy myself much. Felt very awkward  around so many unknown people. I really wish I did better. I blame the attire. I should have been wearing a fotua. my outfit always influences how i feel.

Tried to take a puff from that bamboo bong Nina brought from Rangamati. Took a puff from Ishraq’s joint. And tried to look involved. Samia was doing better. we left together.

Saturday I go and meet Anindya. God knows how that’ll go. I really wish it works out. This was I don’t have to marry some douche. Although I don’t know…I’m most definitely not the person I was even a year ago. My brain is constantly asleep and it doesn’t like waking up for conversations. So I might not seem like a catch.

The other day, we had a small CS meet at alliance, me, Till, Jonathon, Yoshi, Jimi dropped by with Fouad. That day I had fun.

July 26:

Yesterday I met Till at alliance…he’s been a good friend for a few days, very easy to talk to. I had also invited Mejzabeen apu, so she came and let us use the piano. Till played for a while. I am sure if i’d ever heard live playing. I played a little too! Samia showed up, so did a french CSer, elodie. We talked, tasted some mishti at rosh and took a bus home. Today I took Till to shakharibazar, armanitola (finally i saw the church! they let us in without any question. There was a hindu college student who’s father’s the caretaker. It was dark and old, not too grand, but still! and there were gravestones planted on the floor. baby girl who lived for 12 days in 1917. there was also one with a statuette with one arm!) Then we half walked to sadarghat, rode a boat (was nice, but hot), got very tired and hungry and parted ways near dhaka medical. later he sent a nice SMS saying i;ve got a good heart! that’s what i was going for.So I spent some nice evenings, it’s not as easy to talk to everyone.

And, the day before that I met anindya at goethe, later we moved to mango. I was moreo r less comfortable.we talked for several hours, he walked me up to farmgate. it was nice. he is the same petit guy, with a nice smile, i don’t really think we’re each other’s type. I couldn’t help thinking he ranked rather high on Shovon-scale (how much one guy reminds me of shovan). when I came home, i was feeling good. then I started remembering the conversations on drugs and drinks and the spanish girlfriend and couldn’t help thinking how bad it’ll be to raise kids with with a guy like him…or tag along with him on his conquests of world’s regions. then of course i realised our situations have reversed and he is the one pushing me off this time with extreme stories. he’s now looking to fall in love. so that’s how it ends. I called Jimi while I was in the middle of thinking all these, didn’t feel one bit good either. I just wanted to hold on to the phone quietly as I think, but he almost hung up on me. that made me very sad. haven’t talked to him since. Till said he’s out of Dhaka. I don’t know anything about it.

Anyway I’m very very glad I met my ghost from two years ago. One think less to regret about. also, made me realise that I’m not the person I want myself to be. I want stability, even though I dream of whimsical hitch hiking trips in mountain countries. This reminded me of Bhutan too. Except for the day in Paro, I really didn’t enjoy Bhutan. I was inside these photos that I sighed after, but didn’t know what to do with it.

The next two days i’ve been feeling quite good. head not so sleepy or numb. got the GRE book out. Talked to people. Watched a movie (princess bride, sorta boring). all good. I should really stop getting hooked onto TV serials.

About serials: Castle was OK,trite. psych had been more refreshing , tho less convoluted, than this. Bored to death was pretty darn good.

Sazid made me read a half-page story of Neil Gayman, so I’m going through his short-stories : What an improvement! Even though before that I did finish Mihir Shengupto’s Bishad Brikkho. In turn, I made him read from Shahaduzzaman, now he’s finishing up the book.