i may be losing all my friends at one go.
did i ever have friends? i sometimes think i forced myself to believe that ‘we’re friends now’ and them imposed myself upon them freely and they didn’t have any other choice but to take me on as one of their friends, too.
maybe it’s my self-absorption makes me so incapable of being a good friend.
or am i just so self-centred that i imagine these problems?
i dont think i was ever comfortable around my girl friends. i think we all wear ‘the mask’ around each other. except may be for moni and niti, they seem to have a good communication, they share. it is IMPOSSIBLE for tonni to be anyone’s ‘friend’, she doesn’t recognize any relationship that’s not her immediate family. of course she doesn’t know it. she fools herself all the time. the only three people she gives a damn about are her parents and now her husband. i dont think she was honestly close with any of her boyfriends, either. she needed them because she needed to be whiny with someone and because she’s not cultured enough to supress the raw desire for rubbing arms with a guy-any guy. of course i may be totally wrong seeing that i dont know her at all. i thought Mira was kinda the same [that's why they were closer to each other], just smarter and clearer about what she wants. her pathetic dependence on her nose-wipe of a boyfriend totally confuses me. what can she possibly see in the guy? i believe she’s miserable without knowing- am i wrong? may be she can’t leave him because she already slept with him and can’t leave him for the fear of looking like a whore to herself. both tonni and mira are actually more like themselves around their sisters who are as hollow and narrow [ i'm.....] as themselves.
i’ve always tried to get rid of my school friends. even in school i knew that i wouldn’t know them later; my life will go up like a reverse shooting star and they’ll be left behind. but they followed me- to the Capital city, to my university, to sometimes doing the things before me that i always thought cool [nadia travelled with her friends, niti explored the classic nooks and corners of the city, tonni and i were in the same department for a year and i bet she thinks my results wouldn't have been as good as hers there and i know that's true. soo tonni will become a magistrate or something and rule her kingdom as the sir-like madam in small, still authentic cities of Bangladesh]. i see i was the more pathetic of all, all along. i tried to look better not by my own deeds but by looking down to those of others. i never tried to ‘be’ something or someplace. i just wanted the look of it. i wanted others to gasp or at least wonder at me, even if i didn’t enjoy what i was doing [of course i didn't even do those things, i was to busy looking around to see other people's (my mother's-as a symbolic person) reaction.]
[wow now i'm thinking i'm writing such a nice piece of prose ( i cant think of anything but me and my self)]
