25
ai no kotodama: cute.
eternal summer: nice, but confusing ending.
bangkok love story: so silly couldn’t finish
26
meet joe gay. interesting docu..
28
for love of siam was a waste of time.
i’m reading the life and times of michael k
but mostly i’m appreciating the fun-ness of scrubs one again.
i bought QAF US! grrr almost 2500 tk. watched seasons 2, 3, 4.
lots of GTMs.
watched angels in america, first by myself [didn't really know what to make of it...was it good? was it bad?...], watched again with jimi-great fun. the scenes with prior and the angel/ancestors/visions were wild! i loved prior-alone, with lou/belize/at mormon centre.
i liked parting glances, loved get your stuff-jimi did neither.
serial couples: max&yago-brrr. waiting for season 2 of irish serial ‘raw’ and israeli ’till the wedding’ (amir&harel)
reading donald strachey novels:wish there were more to don and tim.
at the end of grass is singing. must finish kittonkhola before iee leaves with his book.
the hanging garden-first fourty minuites look nice…but i don’t think i’m going to finish it now…seems like a tragic ending.
movies pass by-GTMs most of the times-i don’t remember the names. relax-it’s just sex was one that stuck to me for quite a while.
the circuit. eh.four letter word. eh.love!valour!compassion! theatrical. trick.watched twice within a week.c.r.a.z.y. was really well made and it actually HAD a point. l’homme qui j’aime. couldn’t finish-such a melodrama. lustre.pointless, but the guy had blue hair. my imaginary brian and justin are better than these sleezy sods.
boy culture. decent, happy ending.
i’m also following kevin and scotty as brothers and sisters go forward…too ‘politically correct’ and sweet to the point of saccarine sometimes…although not as phoney as kieron and john paul from hollyoaks….i like to watch new episodes because they’re a couple and kevin’s got an actual life, like david from six feet under. david and keith are a couple too, but i don’t like keith and i’ve stopped watching them because i want to watch the whole eps from season 3 and it’s not out in dhaka yet…i’m also watching grey’s anatomy on youtube…mostly for christina and burke…it’s…ok,…kinda silly, but well directed.
reading Asimov’s foundation, the first two books are kinda slow. found forster’s passage to india at Shaon’s [he was editing jimi's film and it was his birthday so everyone gathered there....i went out after SO many days]…it’s difficult and not as interesting as i expected it to be, but forster’s observation of indian society is as usual spot on.
JAN 11
dog tags.not bad. east side story. not very well made. you’ll get over it [tu verra, ca te passerera]. pretty good. simon-nice. i’s actually about euthanasia.
JAN22
keokaradong in between!
when i got back, first thing i did on laptopp is check mail and watch a GTM. long term relationship. horribly bad. then i saw tarik el hob, it was great. nice, sensitive, sensual.
right before leaving i saw denied-boring, edge of seventeen-pretty great, coming out-fine.
why am i sad?
at first i though i’m sad because i’ve run out of QAF. why oh why did i have to go through season five again? i should’ve stopped with the season four finale which i love and should’ve forgotten all about how they don’t end up together. any way, now i’ve watched it almost three times…only mostly brian/justing clips the last two times…and it ends here. there’s no more of it. why do i miss it? it’s actually a pretty lousy show! i’m mad at the writers and the production for doing such a bad job, that’s why people didn’t want to go beyond season 5, plus, why so few episodes in each season?
then i wondered which is sadder: the series finale or the fact that a non-teen ager like me who’s shamelessly acting [ or trying hard not to] act like a groupie? i don’t remember whether i felt the same way when friends/SATC ended; if that’s the case then it’s really really sad, because it means it’s not the show that i miss, i just miss something to glue my eyeballs [and my mind] to.
or may be i’m sad because of this film i watched: the priest. it draws parallels beteen homosexuality and incest….after i watched it, i wrote madly on the youtube comments page and went to IMDB board in hopes that some one has already solved the issue…but they haven’t. more and more it looks like all the things i thought ‘for’ homosexuality- it’s natural, god made gays gay, it’s LOVE, they’re consenting adults, etc- they may all be applied to incest [as long as it's not child molestation]…now i’m scared.first of all, i’m afraid this ruined QAF and all those fav/unwatched gay movies for me…i’ll never be able to look with that amount of certainty and surity at it, ever again [...i hope not]. it had occured to me before, this point of view and i did wonder where is the line between OK and Sick, but now it’s at my face! now i’ll be one of those people who say ,”i just know that it’s wrong. there’s a limit to everything! i don’t know why, but this SHOULD NOT be happening!” eveything that i thought- that homosexuality should not be hidden, should be made easy and accepted, Gay Pride wasn’t a bad idea etc and most of all brian’s and stuart’s [and russel T davis's] unapologetic stance- i’ll have to think it all over again and i’m afraid i might have to shift my views. damn!
then may be the real reason is that some fundamentalists- who are growing in number by the day – went and brought down a sculpture and it seems like threre’s nothing anyone can or will do about it [ including my self]. life is going on in this country, as if nothing happened, no great commotion over the issue, just some routine editorials and some statements from some cultural people. i justified my peace of mind by trying to write something [and ditching it later. what's the point?], by trying talk about ‘where we’re heading !’ with a couple of friends and by carrying on a sulky mood for a couple of hours the next day. now i’m fine. but i’d like to think that it’s affecting me on a sub-conscious level [:-)] and keeping me sad because i’m not like others!
the reason might also be the fact that my honours final is coming up, in less than fifteen days. and i’m in a pretty bad shape and i can’t spend days by sleeping and watching stuff of you tube any more. aaaaargh! i’ll lose my position and i deserve whatever i get in the exams…seeing how i’m ranting on about why i’m sad as a way of avoiding studying.
and also, i’m sure it must have something to do with the ‘merry little preoblem’ that i have…ah! to have mild depression! it’s so retro!
i wanted to title it ‘my germany’ then i realized i want this to turn out to be a well written post, some thing sad and poetic , as an way to deal with the fact that my country is becoming a small scale hell…it’s getting scary…it’s becoming everything that ever really scared me- a ‘fascist’ state, for lack of better word.
when i was younger, i wondered what i’d do if i was around in 1971. would i be one of the freedom-fighters, or one of the refugees? and i dismissed the question as a ‘shomoyer dabi’ thing- i’d've done what the time and circumstances demanded. i don’t know what’s in my elements and it will show itself in the time of need- brave or ‘yellow-bellied lilly-livered’ etc. i guess i might find out soon. a sort of circumstance is indeed being developed. and i’m afraid i might turn out to be exactly what i thought- a coward. worse, an ‘atel’ coward, someone who uses her word and intellect to hide her in-utility and incapability from the world and from herself. see, that is exactly what i’m doing right now. i’m turning this into a ‘writing’. i’m doing it now. now. and now.
””””””””’
SHOULD I STICK MY NECK OUT??? should i risk getting marked? should i act according to my beliefs and risk being harassed for my beliefs? what if it gets out of hands? what if i’m hurt and my future ‘prospectus’ are hurt?
i always wondered, when Hitler came to power, and even a couple of years before that, or when Jew-bashing had become so official, didn’t the Jews in Germany see what was coming? they must have, because the Nazi party was taking shape for quite some years, you could be in Germany in 1933 and see those young stone-like nazis faces full of hatred on the streets, like now, we see the people with a beard and no mustache and/or in a afghan-style turban and a cold stare, and i wonder if we’re like those blind and idiot German Jews.
as much as i [pretend to?] hate my life, i love life and i want to literally drink and enjoy every drop of it, i want it to be of a certain quality [like being able to let my skin breath air and bathe in sun] and i don’t want to get into trouble…i don’t want it. so should i not just leave and live happily ever after someplace that hasn’t yet turned into a ‘fascist’ state…and if it does i could just leave again and find some place else 
whatever. i don’t want to be one of those idiots who sacrificed their lives for the ’cause’ and died, or lived to regret it.
islamic fanatics have forced the authorities to bring down a sculpture. today fazlul haq amini declared that they would see that all the sculptures, including the ones in Dhaka university campus are brought down. i was disturbed for some moments but now i;m back into my usual self. i’m watching queer as folk. i’m making movies inside my head with characters i’ve been imagining since i was…what? eleven? their stories change as my current interests shift. now they’re gay. so that’s what i’m doing. i should at least have written something- a letter to the newspaper. or should i have really? i don’t want to flaunt my ‘allegiance’ on print, just in case, because these people are crazy and very organized, i remember those insane stories about how people’s lives were ruined in the soviet era i’m a coward.
this is a trick, too. to admit that i’m a coward and feel sorry for myself, so that i dont feel obligated to do anything. i’m a coward, didn’t i just admit it?
i L-O-V-E stuart! but i love brian. i didn’t like him in the begining because compared to QAF UK, the US version is so silly and compared to stuart brian seemed wooden and sallow. but i started to warm up to his looks toward the end of the first season and adore him when the writers finally allowed him some human dialogues and feelings….it satisfies what UK refused- a cat-and-mouse relationship between brian and justin…when brian showes feelings for him and dances with him—it made me go aww several times, it’s so *`* beautiful*`*
i must say it’s still not as well written as it could be. the amount of sex they dared to show, they could use it to go dirtier and more explicit emotionally.
*of course nothing can beat UK’s music score which is fabulous
* brian is so sexy! i mean it, i mean the word, not using it randomly. and he’s hottest when he’s with justin, when he’s softer, with jusin…men in love might be the most beautiful thing i’ve seen on screen.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
gale harold is beautiful but randy harrison is a great actor. i didn’t like him at first. he’s not very good looking and all. plus i blame the writers for not letting me get even closer to both brian and justin. but randy made it work so beautifully…he just made it so real. he put character to the role. and justin was a very good role to play.
gale, no matter however perfect-looking [for the part] could not always do justice to brian. he’s not that good of an actor. some parts, he’s fine, some others he’s good and in some others…well, it jars. the whole show jars, actually. editing-wise, it was not the best of productions. and the b/j thing—if the writers were better [ like, the uk writers, for example], b/j [is the pun intended??] would have hit the ceilings. for example, they never really show the small things…in the sex scenes, there are just going at it [for example, i loved the one after brian's surgery when they couldn't actually 'do' it but it was very credible]. some episodes, justin adores brian so blatanly that it just becomes … blatant. and they rarely let brian show anything. brian is tough, but he does have feelings inside. they just fail to get under his skin. stuart was more flesh and blood on this account, because the feelings under the surface, although secret to the other characters, were somewhat revealed to the viewers. i have to see the two series again to make judgments but i’m not sure i’m up for it…youtube did a great service but doing that more than once…!
—–++++++++++
so i did connect to the show. there were some parts that i could not get [timely] on youtube. it hurt a little, i think, still i felt bad. especially when i found out how lonely brian is going to get! i was upset!
the night i turned 25…i lay awake, thinking….i was thinking a lot of things and qaf was among them. i was trying to come to terms with the ending. i told myself that it’s pathetic to feel this way about cheesy tv soaps. but somehow, the way was feeling, was actually about me. something to do with my self. my life and my loneliness, the lack of friends and love…i tried to remember whether i felt the same way when friends and satc had ended but i could not recall. i must have…
anyway, so i tried not to feel bad about a lousy serial and i succeeded; then i braved myself into season 5. they actually did a nice job with the ending. i’m just happy they didn’t fuck with brian! [ brian has had an influence on my vocabulary....]
all the gay bashing and homophobia in the 5th season…i decided to come out…from now on i won’t hide the fact that i watch qaf and that ‘just a question’ is my favourite movie or that i’m with them.
i was actually afraid. i am. i never reveal my moral allegiance on facebook. i didn’t even join groups like ban rajakars etc. should i be like mel and linds[ i think mel took a smart decision] or like ben and michael? i’m afraid. i dont want people to get me into trouble just for being there and being myself. i’d rather hide the intensity of my allegiance for some cause [ at least on the emotional level] unless there is really something to do. ok i’m being unintelligible now. i’ll stop writing now.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i had asked shovon to d/l qaf uk for me. i dont’ like asking for help from guys but i couldn’t imagine downloading 1.5 G of something ‘queer’ from home pc at that moment and shovon has really good speed…anyway, i watched the first season today and as i had suspected, it really is much much better than QAF US. i mean, i know i have obsessed over brian and justin and gale harold and i am watching it second time around and thinking about may be d/l it cause i’m sick of youtube and i might like it better if i didn’t have to watch it in segments.
but qaf UK is so witty! and all the funny lines were originally thought by russel t davies. people say US people are more ‘real’ because they have more background and are more detailed….but they still are characters from tv. as someone commented, it still is just a soap opera [ in the beginnings it had reminded me of the bold and the beautiful] and i always thought it had problems with editing. i mean, after watching friends and sex and the city, i’ve grown to expect better production value from drama series. it’s not real, qaf us. it’s glossy. but the uk people, they are so meshed in the setting, they seem like the people i’d really see if i ever go to uk.
brian is brian…:-) still makes my knees weak sometimes etc but stuart is the man!
it’s better written better directed better acted stuart has depth and dimention and he has charisma!
* 30 sept 2009 as people often say, stuart is very creepy. it’s true. and he is selfish. but the character-building is so consistent! and i can not help appreciating the unequivocal selfishness of stuart. he’s not your ‘tough on the outside, sweet inside’ guy. he is what he is. if you don’t want him, just go away!
I’m repairing the faults on my exterior – on the face I put up to others. And while I’m busy with that, some things from my interior are falling off, breaking away. Everything is worth having regular social skills. Ideally, one should have both. But I couldn’t manage that, that’s too much of work. But then, I’m not growing regular either. I’m still a mishap, only now without the little good stuff I had. Neither this nor that. I’m now like a hollow rubber toy. And that is why I could not express myself accurately, with some coherent lines. I’m losing it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
wrote this as a mail, didn’t send:
<!– /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:”"; margin:0cm; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”;} @page Section1 {size:595.3pt 841.9pt; margin:72.0pt 90.0pt 72.0pt 90.0pt; mso-header-margin:35.4pt; mso-footer-margin:35.4pt; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} –>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:”Table Normal”;
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:”";
mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0cm;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:10.0pt;
font-family:”Times New Roman”;
mso-ansi-language:#0400;
mso-fareast-language:#0400;
mso-bidi-language:#0400;}
I’m losing my words. It’s true. I could express myself quite nicely before. I used to be satisfied with my words. Now, I’m having difficulty getting out the right words, let alone use them with some liberty. I’m becoming incoherent. It’s true. Now I just babble. Mind can be closed like eyes. My mind closes when I’m talking, now a days even while writing ( I’m losing grip on words, they escape me, it’s nerve-wrecking; and my grammar is all jumbled and the instinct I had about a wrong expression- it has gotten very confused), and I can’t open it. I mean I could if I concentrated hard…but to push for it I needed my mind to be awake in the first place. It’s as if my brain’s becoming lazy.
And what’s most painful is that I’m losing my bangla faster than my english. Why would that be? Is english in some way superior then? I’m guessing, bangla words are more naked, they need me to be more honest, which means more hard work etc. English, on the other hand, has some patent phrases and typical expressions that I can use to express myself without betraying too much of the private feelings and even to evade the truth totally.
The whole thing has got something to do with my social skills. The more I try to be friendly to people, and talk to them and listen to them and care about what I listen ; socialize like a normal person, [all the while keeping the grip on my own self- which is actually very difficult to do], the more they flutter out- my words and even my thoughts. I’m afraid I’m becoming incoherent. And I’m losing the capability of thinking idle thoughts. [ do you think i’m becoming a pathetic hypochondriac??]
19 august
a good romantic film always makes me sad. watched juste une question d’amour on youtube. it was a pain, but i’m glad i did – for almost three days and now that it’s over i’m sad….it’s such a সুখী film.
i downloaded latter days, which was not too good. awkward direction killed it.
now i downloading touch of pink, fahim is m-a-d !
i also tried get real on youtube but couldn’t keep it up.
reading magic mountain now. getting used to the book is the key to getting into such a storiless book…
ah i wish the film[ juste..] didnt end, i felt the almost same way about sabah, although not this much; they’re kind of similar in the vibe..also, stephan gullie is beyond hot.
i should have added it in my facebook list, but i didn’t want to…i had also added summerstorm and i dont want people [juniors, for example] to think in a certain way about me…even if ceazar becomes a fan of 3some. my friends dont totally get my obsession with gay-themed movie,[ they compare it to a guys fascination of lesbianism; or to the 'forbidden love' factor- both of which are only partly true], but at least they know me better.
17th- watched painted veil today. paused several times, which is what i do when i cant contain bhalo-laga, my brain starts over-working itself into a story of its own- when i’ve blown off the steam, i come back… … i dont think it disturbs the movie. it lets me watch it without being overwhelmed…
anyway, i’m having second thoughts now. first of all, there should have been a LOT more of edward norton. i just got glimpses of the insides of the character and how he may be shy and conservative and awkward but still attractive… well, it just wasn’t enough.
plus, there were factors of ‘disbelief’- like, why did ‘the hero’ just had to vomit when he was sick? where was that dreadfull breaking? he almost died peacefully!
anyway, i’d've gladly bought tickets again if i had to cause the story is yummi [which, of couse a boy and a girl would like for different reasons...] and there’s ed nortons buttocks………there’s really really something ABOUT him
——–been reading room with a view again. i was lying green in bed so it took several days to finish it, which actually was better for understanding. watched the film again. now i’m slandering it all over IMDB…….
i’ve been looking for maurice the book online. nothing there [for free, i mean].
i hate shahriar kobir for his snobbish adventure cum teen romance books. unbearably stupid.offensive, i’d say.
============================================
whenever i go through pride and prejudice [three times so far, i think] i regret the capacity that those people had [ may be not THAT much in reality, still] to observe other people’s behaviour and judge their character and to think over before taking a decision and speaking up…….i wish i could do it even a little bit. i wish i would ‘notice’ how other people act and what they say. of couse i would have been a much better [and loved] freind if i want to selfish and self-centred. i can only think and care about me and about other peoples feelings about me, which is very inaccurate due to my self-centredness . there’s no way to deny that.
i started reading ‘where angles fear to tread’ the e-book because i thought it would be vvery romantic and passionate, bit like lady chatterley, but it’s not. i’ve read 3 chapters and i copied some part of it to send to anandi ar jimi. it’s making the sad, the book is.
””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””
watched history boys.
made me sad, the ending. how people spread over and how their lives take them to different places…..some of them die……..
i wish i was one of the boys. a group that is wise and intelligent, reciting lines from memory, being completely silly at the same time. this is why i liked ‘didimashir jin’. they were bright young students roaming around the baul mela , reciting shakespeare and joydeb……..
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
watched the room with a view. honestly, i expected it to be more passionate. for me it’s just a visualization of important parts of the book now. it couldn’t do justice to the first kiss in poppy field and i didn’t like lucy. goerge was somewhat goodlooking. it was weird to see scudder from maurice to be fred here, but he looked the part. anyway, i was feeling udash (what can be the english for the word?) and i took up pride and prejudice again to go through the conversations of/on darcy and elizabeh…….
last week i read the translation of innocent erendira.
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
i’ve been dying to watch Maurice and turns out i wasn’t expcting too much. it had that old english look that i always love, a very handsome hugh grant with another equally beautiful man ( is that a strange word to choose, at least here?! may be it is: doesn’t a man still have a right not to be called beautiful, even when he is gay? any way, i find some men really beautiful. u know, beautiful features, delicate details etc). the film is extremely romantic, it’a heart ranging tragic thing that ends in happily ever after ! plus, not only was there the gay dynamics going on, there also was the class difference thing…sometimes it reminded me of lady chatterley’s loveer, of parts i loved. more accurately, parts that turned the engines in my head start whirring even if i decide not to ‘think’ rignt then. to top it all, there was a lot of male frontal nudity and also, two men kissing and fondling, most importantly, two men in love and forbidden to touch…..it’s a huge turn on!
i thought about the film several times during the day [watched it last night], felt that flutter of heart that i associate with very good and deep romantic movies….it was made in 1985 or 87 and brokeback got oscar. brokeback was a pathetic failed-attempt to depict everything that’s here in maurice.it’s not a gay romantic film, it’s a romantic film and one of the bests of its kind.
and of couse there’s male frontal nudity.
i’d started reading Ivanhoe, but now i’ve borrowed history of western civilization from Shaon.
watched North by the North West (hmm) and the other Boleyn girl (senseless, but then it made me do a little reading on the context).
i’m trying ‘daria’.
——————————-
watched ‘come september’. it was very funny and all. didn’t like rock hudson’s face.
i managed to finish ivanhoe, it had gotten go boring!… the story was good, and my fav characters were there, robin hood, richard the lion heart, ivanhoe wasn’t half bad…but descriptions and details ! now i know why i like sheba books…
anyway, i read on richard on wikipedia, Scott was a liar, i knew king richard was too good to be true…both here and in talisman.
